Character

I wrote yesterday about my reflection after listening to a number of episodes of Where There's Smoke. It got me thinking about the characters other people create for us and how easy it is to fall into these sometimes. 

When I moved to Calgary 4 years ago it gave me a blank canvas for my identity. I had the courage to do new and different things that I had never tried at home in Newfoundland. I didn't have to worry about anyone saying that doesn't seem like you or Nicole would never do that. I'm not sure why these kinds of statements give me so much anxiety. I guess it has something to do with my inner perfectionist. Doing the things people expected me to do were also usually the things I'm good at. I didn't like trying things that I might fail or even struggle at and the additional attention from others from these things being out of the ordinary for me. 

I've gotten much better at this over the last number of years. The first trait I tackled was getting past the Nicole isn't active character. Since moving I've learned to ski, hike somewhat regularly and even done two triathlons. I still struggle with not letting a busy life get in my way of being active, but it's just my own thing. Everyone associates me with being an active person now. 

So what characters am I still telling myself or accepting on behalf of others that don't resonate with my truest self. Serious Nicole and successful Nicole. These are linked sometimes. For me this means being extremely goal oriented, focused and high-achieving (in a very traditional sense). Each of these is fine in moderation, but I can often take these to an extreme. It's these character traits that get in the way of living Marian Tompson's three steps to success. I can be quick to put things related to my career ahead of self-care or care of those closest to me. I accept it too easily and I have many people, especially my family, who accept it too because of our idea of who Nicole is. It's one of the reasons that I have felt so excited and liberated hearing Dan Pallotta and Marian talk about how neglecting ourselves and those closest to us is not OK even for important world changing work. 

Heading back after eight weeks away from this work gives me a bit of a blank canvas again. I'm hoping to draw on my clearer mind and clarity to start shifting this character. To a person who is know for taking time to connect, have fun and step back and see the forest through the trees when anxiety starts to ratchet up. To a person who cares for themselves and those closest to them as much or more than making the larger world around them a better place. 

I've shifted my own internal story before and that has in turn shifted how others see me. I'm looking forward to working on doing it again always keeping in mind that it will be all about progress and not perfection.