I've written before about my struggles with perfectionism. It's an ongoing student path in my life. I've looked at how compassionate I am toward myself and thought about how to increase that. I've shifted my mindset to ensure that my achievements are not who I am. As I was reading a Medium article today about perfectionism, I got to thinking about if I've really dealt with some of the underlying causes of this way of being.
The author writes about an individual who at the core is trying to be perfect because they think that this means they won't ever be abandoned. That fear of abandonment came from an early childhood experience of her parents leaving her for a time with family friends.
So what's at the root of my perfectionism? I think it's abandonment too.
My parents separated when I was very young. While I completely understand and support this decision as it has allowed them both to live happier lives, there's something about this that has stuck with me. I struggle with asking others for help. I try to keep relationships in a balance of me doing more for the other person. Somehow this means that this person won't go anywhere.
I know now that relationships are two-way streets and interdependence is what makes them strong. I still feel a little wary though when I let others help me. That fearful voice has gotten quieter, but is still there wondering if I'll be rejected or abandoned by someone I am depending on. My brain has spent a long time making connections between being perfect and people being there for you.
In the name it to tame it spirit, I think that the more I call this out and practice depending on others this perfectionistic tendency will wane. I'll slowly shift my brain's wiring to associate vulnerability with long-lasting connections and trust.
Being a Force for Good 