It’s 6:30am. I’ve been lying awake in bed for the last two hours. My 9 week-old daughter usually wakes up after 5-6 hours and my body has gotten used to that schedule.
I should say my brain has gotten used to it because it’s the problem. After that 5 or so hour mark it turns itself on again and begins whirring away. Last night I dreamt my door bell sounded at 4:30am and awoke with a start. A not so subtle hint from my brain that we were getting set for the whirring to recommence.
Some combination of becoming so responsible for a little human you love so much and spending a lot of time alone has triggered anxiety in me.
What should I be doing to help her learn and grow? Is she getting enough to eat? Is my milk supply ever going to get there? Is it ok that she’ll only nap well on me? When do babies start teething? Is it normal for a nine week-old to….?
The list goes on. My Google search history consists of these and so many other questions that cycle through my head all day and, like right now, in the wee hours of the morning.
Prior to becoming a Mom I wrote everyday for the better part of two years. It was how I sorted through and poured out the thoughts in my head. For the last 6 months I haven’t really been writing and I think it’s translated into this anxiety. Or at least I hope that’s it.
So, I’m resolving to get back to writing. Who knows what the frequency will be, but I’ll figure out what my new normal is. Having to pump so many times a day (a topic for another time) means I have a series of 15-20 minute chunks where I’m pretty well stuck in one place and can devote a little time to reconnecting with this part of me.
And now, let’s see if I can’t get a little sleep…
Being a Force for Good 