Becoming a parent was a steep learning curve. No matter how much I read or spent time with other babies, you only really learn this job by doing.
I was prepped a lot for labour and delivery. Heard people’s stories, had many of our pre-natal classes devoted to it and seen movies/tv shows depict this event (no matter how unrealistic). I learned a lot about how you can have wishes/intentions for your delivery and to be prepared to pivot and go in a completely different direction depending on baby’s and your body’s plans for their entrance.
What I didn’t hear quite as much about was breastfeeding. Sure, I heard a lot of breast is best and all of the reasons why you should breastfeed, but not as much honest conversation about this topic.
So when my little one was born and she latched fairly easily, I thought (or hoped) we would be set. Then we had a scary moment a few days in when she hadn’t pooped in three days. We called the Early Start line and they advised she was dehydrated and we would need to ramp up her food intake immediately.
This meant starting to supplement her on formula, which my husband had the wisdom to purchase in advance. I’ll admit that at the time of this purchase I was thinking “why are we doing this, I’m going to exclusively breastfeed”.
It also meant having no more than 2 hours in between the start of one feed and the start of the next and that after feeding I would need to pump for 10-15 minutes while my husband supplemented her with formula or pumped breastmilk.
It was exhausting, but we did it. I finally understood why 90% of women in Alberta start out breastfeeding, but by 6 months only 29% have sustained this. I was lucky to have a husband keeping this insane schedule with me and friends and family who had provided us with all of our meals.
Once our baby reached birth weight, we slacked off a bit and have gotten into a routine where I pump 3-4 times each day – mostly when my husband is home or baby is asleep. Even with all of this effort we’re still only at 50/50 for breastmilk to formula for many possible reasons.
That’s been my journey. What I really didn’t understand when we embarked on this is how much my sense of worth as a Mom would be caught up with our ability to breastfeed. I cried when they told me that our daughter was dehydrated and I would have to supplement. Even though it was out of my control, I felt like I wasn’t providing for her like I should.
Even now when I have a bad pump or my daughter just doesn’t want to breastfeed, my husband has to remind me that my worth is not connected to the amount of milk I produce and that our daughter is thriving. And that you can’t tell how any of the healthy and happy children we know were fed as babies.
All of this I know in my head. It’s just reconciling it with my heart and the expectations I put on myself about what I “should” be doing as a Mom.
We carry a lot of emotions as mom’s and a lot of expectations about the things we should do. This pressure can add up to us feeling as if we aren’t enough for some reason.
Today I’m reminding myself (and all other mom’s) that no matter what is happening with breastfeeding, sleep or any other challenge you’re going through that you are already enough. The love you’re giving to your child is the most important and everything else is about progress and not perfection.
I’m trusting that the more I (and the people I love) tell me that, the more I’ll quiet that silly voice in my head that tries to convince me otherwise.
Being a Force for Good 